I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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