Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
My balls are so social today.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
