mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
