OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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