i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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