Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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