the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
