I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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