i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
