considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
