My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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