why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You made out with two different species that night
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My vagina is officially offended.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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