I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
