dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize