Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
