He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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