Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
zippers are such a cool invention
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
