in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
