When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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