My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
