I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
