im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
