The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Alive.
So much puke
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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