No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
