my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
