And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
