I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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