If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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