Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
