During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I look excited, but its just a facade.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
