The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
