I have demons in me.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
