i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
