you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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