Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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