the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
