She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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