Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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