oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
