you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You don't make any sense
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