well most of my day revolves around power hour
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
as a side note pls kill me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
