I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just puked most of my soul out..
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