He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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