My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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