Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
