By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
