Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
