DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We're too hungover to prance.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
