They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
