trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
